[A6A6I5] ====>
i dunno why my friends got to have adults around who cared about them they complained bitterly about stuff so i guess i convinced myself they were all in the same boat as me but thats not how it was their complaints were trumped up nonsense and i bought it cause... i dunno i didnt have any frame of reference but his dad and her mom no matter what they said it was so obvious they cared about them deeply even jades weird fuckin grandpa who died when she was young obviously would have done anything for her why did i get such a raw cut of the asshole deck and why did it take me so long to figure that out and like hes dead now so thats that so all thats left to do is look back and try to put the pieces together of my first 13 years and all i can think is what the fuck WAS that?! i dont come away with the impression i used to try convincing myself of, that he was like "mysterious" or "stern" or "aloof" the only feeling left is this insane impression that i was raised by somebody who fuckin HATED me and the whole act of even "raising a child" was some totally fucked up game to him like parenthood was one of the highest tiers of irony in his solemn bullshit bro-ninja code so he went through those motions and did whatever he thought was "funny" or "badass" but under that weird stylistic and totally sociopathic approach to parenting i cant even IMAGINE there was any emotion toward me other than some sort of loathing What... Did he do? i dont want to get out the laundry list but for reference laundry wasnt one of those things that was just one of the many little domestic things i just had to sort of FIGURE OUT sorta like i eventually had to learn what the REAL purpose of a refridgerator was from movies Wait. What?? i dunno theres too much to even get into just i dont remember the atmosphere ever not being nerve wracking all havin to sneak around and... ugh my shitty childhood spider senses are tinglin just thinking about it it was "training" you know but you know what it really was it was some vicious shit that was bad and sucked and i hated it it didnt make me stronger it did the opposite it made me never want to fight it made me never want to see blood or be near danger or hear metal sounds it made me hate the idea of being a hero cause he was a hero and he ruined the idea of heroism i dont even want to be fighting this shitty version of jack but hey nobody else has secret welsh powers so i guess i have to ... what gets me is how long it took me to put all this together to stop seeing it as some kinda roughhousey and eccentric life i had but was otherwise normal it took years to deconstruct it all and put it back together to understand how fuckin mad i should be and in particular how stone cold deeply uncared for i was my whole life like... being merely "monitored" by a violent robot i only started getting it after spending a lot of time in person with a bunch of people who actually did care about me and i could start feeling like actually somewhat human for the first time instead of... some sort of runty afterthought to a household cabal of smutty puppets ... Puppets? the fuckin puppets!!! i know how it sounds but i am NOT joking and there is NO shred of doubt in my mind that he loved all those puppets more than me honestly it is very possible that he was just insane and thats that i guess it didnt help either that we lived with what we have come to understand may theoretically be the most evil doll to exist in any universe ever in fact its my tenuous understanding that he came down to earth with that thing and like actually grew up with it maybe... maybe spending 30 some years being unseparable from that hell puppet had some effect on him?? maybe if it hadnt been casting a pall over our apartment 24/7 since he took me in... grinning... glaring... laughing in my sleep... maybe our lives wouldnt have been quite so... maybe we would have... ugh What?
Browse the full HOMESTUCK archive