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Jane, you know, We probably should have talked about this Jake stuff a long time ago. Tell me about it. I don't know if I was kidding myself all those years that there was a conflict of interest between us, or what. Same. Maybe I was just pretending your feelings for him weren't a factor because my pursuit of him was already overcomplicated enough. Or maybe it was more like I was aware of them, but on some level decided they shouldn't matter, because I felt like you had a natural advantage over me. Cause you know. You're like. Not a dude. But I always felt you had the advantage over me too! Because you're... YOU. You make things happen, and I don't. Yeah well. Turns out maybe that's not such a good quality if you wanna make a relationship last longer than three seconds. At least not in my case. I know I ripped into him pretty hard when I had the clown hair and the little soda can on my head. But the truth is I was pretty goddamn overbearing. Sometimes I look back on stuff and think I might have essentially bullied him into a relationship with me. Actually, it's more complicated than that. Parts of me were operating independently from myself. So it's like I was bullying myself into bullying him into liking me. If that makes sense. It doesn't really. But that's fine. :B Anyway, my insanity scared him right the fuck off. There were times when I basically treated him like shit without even realizing it, and I regret it. I should probably tell him that, but given how I just called him an asshole while wearing orange suspenders, I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from now. Clearly we both used some poor judgment. Looking back, it seems crazy to me that we both jeopardized our friendship over a mutual infatuation with, let's face it, one spectacularly goofy kid. Can we both at least agree we may have overrated the allure of Jake English? YES. Maybe if we could have talked to each other about him it would have helped. Like talked about why we felt that way about him. At least maybe it would have helped us knock English down from the ludicrous pedestal we put him on. Yeah. That might have saved us a lot of grief. It's not like I hate him now, even though that's probably what he thinks. He's still my friend. But the extent to which I centered my whole life around a childish fantasy about him is just painfully embarrassing in hindsight. I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at him again without feeling miserable about myself? So does that mean we're both totally over him now? I can't really tell. Me neither. :\ I guess the real problem is our clique was too small. Poor Jake was the only viable romantic target. I mean, considering our respective orientations. Maybe we just never knew enough people? Perhaps. Or maybe we just don't need anybody. As anything other than friends, I mean. In the interest of appeasing the bitterness gods, let's go with the latter.
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