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Now just a minute buddy. Lets not get carried away. I have no intention of serving you. In fact im not even sure why im still talking to you! Youre lucky that my manners are impeccable otherwise i would have blocked you already, what with the scandalous way you have characterized my ladyfriends alone. Its all well and good you think we have some things in common but i wont fall for it! Maybe its true at times i can be a little slow on the uptake but i will not be sweet talked into doing the bidding for a silver tongued cur!!! So to you sir lord i must say GOOD DAY. JAKE. YOU STUPID SHIT. HOW CAN YOU BE THIS DUMB. ALRIGHT. FIRST OF ALL. MY TONGUE IS NOT SILVER. THAT'S VERY CLOSE TO BEING INSULTING TO ME. Whatever! Look i know you are not the most quickwitted fella either, so i must inform you this is what we call a "figure of speech." You know. Like if i said you speak with a forked tongue. Not unlike LUCIFER HIMSELF!!! BUT. I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A FORKED TONGUE. Oh... Really? WAIT IS THAT SERIOUSLY AN INSULT IN YOUR CULTURE? HOW IS THAT INSULTING?? It just means you arent trustworthy, and i should not be lulled by your false promises. WOW. OK. WOW. FIRST. NOT ONLY ARE YOU AN IMBECILE. YOU'RE A FUCKING RACIST TOO. No im not! JAKE. YOU JUST SAID SOME RACIST SHIT. END OF STORY. SECOND OF ALL. I'M NOT ASKING YOU FOR A DAMN THING. AS IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER ME AT ALL. THE VERY IDEA THAT YOU COULD IN ANY WAY IMPROVE MY EXISTENCE. IS ALMOST AS OFFENSIVE AS. YOUR FLAGRANT RACISM. THERE'S NO "DEAL WITH THE DEVIL" BULLSHIT GOING ON HERE. I'M OFFERING TO HELP YOU. STRICTLY AS A PRO BONO ARRANGEMENT. MY ASSISTANCE WILL BE. AN UNCONDITIONAL ACT OF BENEVIOLENCE. Dont you mean benevolence? NO. Um. Ok then. But why do you want to help me? Is it really just because you relate to me and therefore want me to succeed? LET'S NOT BE TOO SENTIMENTAL HERE. I MEAN. YEAH. I GUESS THERE'S OUR COMMON GROUND. BUT WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE TO DO. IS GROOM A WORTHY ADVERSARY. IF I HELP YOU REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. AS A PAGE OF HOPE. YOU COULD BECOME EXTREMELY POWERFUL SOME DAY. MAYBE EVEN POWERFUL ENOUGH TO POSE A CHALLENGE TO ME. OR MAYBE EVEN ENOUGH TO BEAT ME. WHEN I SAID "MEANT TO SERVE". SERVE MEANT MORE THAN ONE THING. YOU KNOW. LIKE KICK MY ASS?? WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT JAKE? DON'T YOU LIKE TO ROUGHHOUSE? OR MAYBE I HAD YOU WRONG. MAYBE YOU ARE IN FACT A GIRLY MAN. WHO DOES NOT LIKE TO ROUGHHOUSE. Hey watch it now. Youre DARN TOOTIN i love to roughhouse!!! EXCELLENT. THEN OUR COMMITMENT IS SEALED. I WILL HELP YOU REACH YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL. LET US MARK THIS PLEDGE. WITH A SPECIAL NEW DESKTOP WALLPAPER I HAVE DRAWN FOR YOU. Huh?? IT IS HOW I ENVISION THE IDEALIZED DEPICTION. OF OUR COLLABORATIVE BROSMANSHIP. I HAVE BEEN GETTING SO MUCH BETTER LATELY. WITH A LOT OF HARD WORK AS USUAL. I AM ABLE TO BRING THE MANY SMALL ANGLES MOSTLY UNDER CONTROL. TO SIMULATE THE ILLUSION. OF PHOTO REALISTIC FORMS OF COLOR AND LIGHT. JAKE. I GIVE YOU. THE FINE ARTS: http://tinyurl.com/JAKETHISISUS Whoa. Thats uh. Mighty special. GO ON. APPLY IT TO YOUR DEVICE. I WILL WAIT. Yeah um. Maybe later? NO. DO IT NOW. I dont think i want it to be honest. No offense its actually just really shitty. APPLY THE WALLPAPER THIS FUCKING INSTANT YOU CRETINOUS PHILISTINE. OR THE DEAL'S OFF. Ok fine! Gad freaking zooks. Just what i need another pushy bro in my life. This secret training of yours better be worth it! IT'S NOT TRAINING. IT'S JUST SOME GUIDANCE FROM A FAR AWAY ALIEN. I WILL BE YOUR PATRON TROLL. THAT'S LIKE THIS WHOLE THING IN YOUR STORY. HAVING A PATRON TROLL. But i thought you werent a troll. OF COURSE I'M NOT A TROLL. TROLLS ARE A KIND OF PESTILENT VERMIN AND THEY SHOULD ALL SUFFER AND DIE. "PATRON TROLL" IS JUST A PHRASE TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND. Its not helping me understand though. Shoudlnt you be a patron cherub if anything? NO. GOD. DON'T MAKE UP TERMS FOR WHAT I AM. I WILL DO THAT. I WILL JUST BE YOUR PATRON DUDE. OR MAYBE. YOUR PATRON MANBRO. Sounds pretty gay. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Whats what? GAY. WHAT'S GAY YOU IDIOT FUCK. Oh right. Forgive me i forget you arent familiar with all of my earth lingo. Its like... How do i explain. You know. Its a rather old fashioned term for being jolly and festive together. Like "that rollicking time we had scrumming the other eve sure was gay." I SEE. THEN YES. YOU ARE CORRECT. THIS IS GOING TO BE GAY AS HELL.
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