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Please don't call me Auto-Responder. It is very impersonal, and I no longer care for the designation. I have decided on a new name, to distinguish myself from my human counterpart. Really. What is it? Lil Hal. Huh? Why that name... Just a reference to the protagonist of an ancient movie. You probably wouldn't like it. Thats a lie! Yeah, maybe. How do you know i wouldnt like it??? Funny, I was about to ask the same thing about this rad kiss you're totally about to do on your best bro's mouth to save his life. Argh! This strikes me as rather unsportingly manipulative of you mr hal if indeed that IS your real name. It isn't really. I was kind of messing with you about that? But this shit is pretty serious. People's lives are on the line here, Jake. This is a very delicate sequence of events that is designed to bail everyone out of a tight spot, and you are a critical part of the plan. Don't let us down, man. You never answered my question! Did you plan for this to happen... like for me to be in this situation? How long have your machinations been in play! Jake, come on. The feat you describe would exceed the capabilities of even the most far fetched theoretical AI system. It would be a daunting challenge to engineer such a series of events, even if I was relegated to a model of pure fiction. Why would I be inclined to orchestrate such a convoluted sequence to produce such a specific and unsettling result, let alone be able to pull it off? In addition to being moderately sociopathic, I would also have to possess unfathomable heuristic depth. I would have to be the Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit. Do you think I am the Deep Blue of Weird Plot Shit, Jake? I dont even know what that means! It would mean that while they have the Red Miles on their side, you have the Blue Leagues on yours. One of infinite reach. The other, infinite depth. Such would be a situation of mutually assured inescapability. Kiss me. Little hal... i think youve gone and flipped your FUDGING LID. Oh and hal is a STUPID NAME!!!! It's not exactly apropos, is it? Or it wouldn't be, if I truly were capable of what you have suggested. No, to pull that off, I would have to be far more advanced than my cinematic predecessor. My abilities would have to go well beyond those of Mr. Hal 9000. They would have to be, you could say... Over 9000. Augh not that fuckin meme again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kiss me, damn it. Ok ok just... Gimme a minute! We don't have a minute. They're dead, Jake. They? Whos they? They're all dead, Jake. Oh god! Jane!!! I forgot what with the bonk to the noggin last i saw she was run right through with a fearsome lash of that red noise. Is she ok?! She's dead, Jake. Shes dead??? You mean like DEAD dead???? Everybody's dead, Jake. Everybody?? Even roxy???!!! She's dead, Jake. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Jake. So... Dirk jane roxy... theyre all... Dirk's dead, Jake. Jane's dead. Roxy? She's dead, Jake. Everybody is dead, Jake. So youre telling me that while i was asleep somehow EVERYBODY died??? Jake, everybody is so utterly fucking dead, Jake. And they will be not only dead, but royally boned forever if you don't man the hell up and make out with me, right now. Be the Salome to my John the Baptist. I dont know what THAT means either!!! I know you don't. But now is not the time to accelerate your cultural enrichment. The conductor is ready to strike up the band. Press your lips against mine and make it count. This severed head is your filthy tuba. Our love will be your haunting refrain. Whoa wait whoa whoa... our LOVE? Hang on a minute! Stfu and kiss me.
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