Jake: Message your good bro.
Bro. Ahem. Are you there? I hate to be a pest about this and i know ive made a hearty trouble of myself a good deal lately... State your business, Jake. I should preface this request with an overture of appreciation. For how much your cool and brotherly friendship means to me. It has just been... Absolutely *bully* having a standup gent like you in my corner. Just a grade a dude whos a cut above the others in class and camaraderie. Phew... *gropes for fresh kerchief.* I hope this shit isnt coming across as platitudinous. I really mean it! Take it easy, bromide. Just about the only way I could salvage endearment from this perilous slope of horseshit would be to discover, really fucking soon mind you, it was a preamble to some floundering invitation for me to rush to your vicinity as nakedly as possible. But since we've already shot that wad's eventuality on so many dry runs of flustered ambivalence that were as hilarious as they were one sided, That leaves only one hope for this message to avoid spiraling toward qualification as a critical fucking defect in the hull of the Mach 10 rocket that is my precious spare time. And that hope lies in the extent to which you were practicing artful insincerity. Now's your opportunity to pretend that's what you were gunning for. I suggest you seize it. I... Oh. Yes! But of course. The ironies! Good grief how i was bandying them just now. You know me dude. *Blows smoke off red hot irony pistol.* *NONSUGGESTIVELY!!!!!* Um. Yeah. Ok, nice. Now that your obsequious preface has been established as indisputably entertaining for all the right reasons, and intentionally so, Let's bear down on these dire as shit needs you've got. I'm guessing you're probably jonesing for uranium about now. No? Pshaw! As if i would be so reckless with the stuff. I would have to be mighty irresponsible to run out already. No no im all set in the uranium department and really when you take a look at the big picture youll find i am *sitting pretty* when it comes to just about any radioactive isotope you could mention. However... My backup reserves that i keep strictly for emergencies are running a little lean! You know what my grandma taught me about preparedness. *Tugs at colorful lapels.* You are out of uranium. It's basically mathematically impossible that's not why you're contacting me. Christ what an insufferable awesome friend you are. Ok can you please just sendificate me some more already?? Im in kind of a hurry! You do know my offer still stands. What? You know. I've offered to construct the rabbit for you many times before. I would craft a much deadlier model. Oh i know you would its just... Damn it man ive told you this is just something i have to do myself. Its a promise i made to jade and im going to live up to it even if im not the best or even second best robosmith i know! Yeah, I know this is your policy. You've done a good job and you should be proud. But it's my responsibility as your friend to offer one last time. Just as it's my responsibility not to just fork over a bunch of uranium just because you ask me in a moment of weakness. Frig!!!!! Why not??? It's too easy. And you yourself are the one staking pride in this. If you were half-assing this project and made some slovenly plea for it, I'd just say, fuck it, here's a lot of green rocks dude, go nuts. Ok then! Im halfassing it! Look. See? Only a bisected bottom is present! Where is the other half you ask? Why... it is nowhere to be found. I didnt use it! Nope. Not buying it. I know that every ounce of your premium behind can be accounted for in that rabbit, and there's no goddamned denying it. And you know perfectly well where some more uranium can be located. Jesus christmas you are such a fucking douche. It seems you think I am a fucking douche. That's your opinion, I guess. That's cool. I knew you were going to suggest this. I dont know why i bothered asking! Strider why must you always be such an obstinate stick in the mud??? It seems that you consider me to be, no less than one hundred percent of the time, an obstinate stick in the mud. I unironically respect your position on this matter. Hey, let's continue to exchange ideas. Wait... "It seems"?? What? Oh for fucks sake. Is something the matter, Jake? This is your auto responder.
Browse the full HOMESTUCK archive