Karkat: Troll this worthless human.
ATTENTION WORTHLESS HUMAN. THIS IS YOUR GOD SPEAKING. IT IS A WRATHFUL GOD WHO DESPISES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD HAVE POSSIBLY DARED TO FEAR. I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ENTIRE PATHETIC LIFE UNFOLD. I HAVE OBSERVED YOU WHILE YOU WOULD QUAKE AND TREMBLE IN PERSONAL PRAYERS OF SHAME. WHILE YOU PLEADED FORGIVENESS FOR BEING SUCH A WRETCHED DISGUSTING FAILURE ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL. PROSTRATE BEFORE THE STUPID AND FALSE CLOWN GODS YOU HAVE SCRIBBLED ON THE WALLS OF YOUR BLOCK. BOGUS DEITIES WORSHIPED BY A PRIMITIVE "PARADISE" PLANET. BUT YOUR PRAYERS WILL NOT BE ANSWERED. THERE ARE NO MIRACLES IN STORE FOR YOU, HUMAN. ONLY MY HATE. IT IS A HATE SO PURE AND HOT IT WOULD CONSUME YOUR SAD UNDERDEVELOPED HUMAN THINK PAN TO EVEN CONTEMPLATE. IT IS A HATE THAT TO FATHOM MUST BE PUT INTO SONG. SHRIEKED BY THE TEN THOUSAND ROWDY SHOUT SPHINCTERS PEPPERING THE GRUESOME UNDERBELLY OF THE MOST TRUCULENT GOD THE FURTHEST RING CAN MUSTER. IT IS A HATE THAT MADE YOU AND WILL SURELY DESTROY YOU. MY HATE IS THE LIFEBLOOD THAT PULSES THROUGH THE VEINS OF YOUR UNIVERSE. IT IS MY GIFT TO YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT. YOU UNGRATEFUL PIECE OF SHIT. hi karkat! WHAT HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME. oh man. this is it, isn't it? i've been looking forward to this! WHAT IS IT. ME HATING YOU IS WHAT'S IT. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN, YEAH, BINGO. no, i mean this is the first conversation between us, from your perspective. right? YEAH. ARE YOU SUGGESTING WE'VE SPOKEN BEFORE. yeah, lots of times! actually... i should introduce myself properly. hi karkat, i am john! JOHN, WHY WOULD I GIVE A PUNGENT WHIPPING LUMPSQUIRT WHAT YOUR NAME IS. because we are buddies! I ADMIT I AM NEW TO HUMAN SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OUR RELATIONSHIP CAN OR WILL EVER BE DESCRIBED AS "EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES". yup, we totally are. we just became earth human buddies in a kind of weird way. you decide to keep talking to me backwards through my adventure. and then when you are done with that you come back and talk to me more recently on the timeline for a while. you talk to my friends a whole bunch too. you and your alternian troll buddies help me and my earth human buddies hatch a plan! which we are busy putting into motion right now, as you can see. THESE ARE LIES. I KNOW WHEN I AM BEING TROLLED, WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO HERE. I AM YOUR GOD, REMEMBER. yeah yeah, i know. WHY WOULD I TROLL YOU BACKWARDS? THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. AND WHY WOULD I HELP YOU AND YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS? I WOULD JUST BE HELPING YOU BLUNDER DOWN THE PATH THAT ENDS WITH YOU OPENING THE RIFT LIKE A BUNCH OF MORONS. you mean the scratch? WHATEVER. yes! that is the plan. you yourself said it was the only hope now. RIDICULOUS. I DIDN'T WRIGGLE OUT OF A PUDDLE OF SLIME YESTERDAY. THAT WAS SEVERAL WEEKS AGO, OK? heheheh. I DO NOT THINK YOU APPRECIATE THE GRAVITY OF MY ANTIPATHY, JOHN HUMAN. egbert. OK, HUMAN EGBERT. I FUCKING LOATHE YOU, AND I HAVE TUNED INTO YOUR CHANNEL MOMENTS BEFORE THE ERADICATION OF YOUR TIMELINE AND THAT SMUG LOOK ON YOUR FACE, WITH JUST ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO BASICALLY COMPLETELY FUCKING DESTROY YOU WITH HOSTILE RHETORIC. THERE IS NO CHANCE I WILL EVER HELP YOU. YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I HATE YOU OR WHY I HATE YOU. I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID I WAS YOUR GOD, LIKE THAT WASN'T JUST A LOT OF BRAVADO AND USELESS PISSING AROUND. I AM LITERALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR EXISTENCE. WE BEAT THE GAME YOU ARE PLAYING AND CREATED YOUR UNIVERSE. WE WERE GOING TO ENTER YOUR UNIVERSE AND RULE OVER IT. LIKE TYRANTS. IT WAS TO BE OUR PLAYTHING, JOHN. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW SWEET IT WAS GOING TO BE. BUT THEN WE COULDN'T CLAIM OUR PRIZE BECAUSE OF THAT MONSTROSITY YOU SPRUNG ON US. man... i knoooow. none of this is news to me, karkat! but to be quite honest, it doesn't sound like your intentions were all that great. wanting to be tyrants and all. maybe you got what you deserved, you stutid fuckass! STUTID? WOW, YOUR SPECIES REALLY IS BRAINDEAD. eh, it's an in-joke, never mind. anyway, hey! i thought this was supposed to be the conversation where you do all that AMAAAAAZING TROLLING! come on bro, flame me! i have been really excited about this. YOU ACTUALLY WANT ME TO TROLL YOU? I MEAN DON'T WORRY, I CAN AND I WILL, AND IT WILL BE A GODDAMN BLOODBATH WHEN I GET STARTED. IT'S JUST KIND OF WEIRD YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT IT, IS THAT NORMAL FOR YOUR RACE? um... i don't know, probably not. i just think it's kind of funny when you do it. THAT'S REALLY CONDESCENDING AND IT'S HARD TO CONVEY HOW MUCH MORE I JUST GOT PISSED OFF THAN I ALREADY WAS. BUT MAYBE IT MAKES SENSE ACTUALLY THAT YOU WELCOME MY ACRIMONY SO READILY ON ACCOUNT OF PROBABLY SOME WEIRD GLAND HUMANS HAVE, LIKE A PUNISHMENT THROBBER OR SOME SILLY SOUNDING THING LIKE THAT. IT MIGHT MEAN THAT I'M RIGHT ABOUT YOU. right about what? I MEAN THAT IT SEEMS LIKE WE ARE CONNECTED IN SOME WAY, DON'T YOU THINK JOHN. SORT OF COSMICALLY. LIKE OUR HATE FOR EACH OTHER IS SO STRONG IT MUST HAVE BEEN WRITTEN IN THE STARS. YOU KNOW…
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