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who is jack noir? AN AGENT OF DERSE. WHO FLIPPED OUT AND ROSE TO POWER. HE KILLED YOUR BLACK QUEEN AND KING AND NOW HE'S IN CHARGE. so you didn't have him in your game? NO, WE DID. BUT HE WAS HARMLESS. ACTUALLY, HE WAS AN ALLY, SORT OF. HE SETTLED A GRUDGE AGAINST THE QUEEN BY HELPING US DETHRONE AND EXILE HER. AND THEN HE WOUND UP EXILED HIMSELF, AND SORT OF KEPT HELPING US THROUGH A COMMAND TERMINAL ON OUR OLD PLANET. HE'S KIND OF A HUGE ASSHOLE THOUGH. BUT BECAUSE HE TOOK THE QUEEN OUT OF THE PICTURE, WHEN WE GOT TO SKAIA WE ONLY HAD ONE MONARCH TO DEAL WITH INSTEAD OF TWO. OF COURSE IT WAS A NASTY GIANT 12X PROTOTYPED BLACK KING THAT TOOK FOREVER TO KILL, JUST BARELY IN TIME BEFORE THE BIGGEST METEORS CAME, BUT STILL. i see. so after he got exiled and all that, he came here into our game and caused all this trouble? NO, GOD. EGBERT YOU ARE THICKER THAN THAT HIDEOUS JOKE BOOK YOU WADDLE AROUND WITH. TRY TO THINK MORE ABSTRACTLY. THINK ABOUT VIDEO GAMES. WHAT'S AN EARTH GAME YOU LIKED TO PLAY? NAME ONE. ummmm... crash bandicoot? OK I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I HAVE A FEELING IT'S A REALLY LAME EXAMPLE, BUT THAT'S FINE, IT'S NOT THE POINT. SO LET'S SAY YOU PLAY YOUR BANDICOOT AND I PLAY MY BANDICOOT. THEY ARE ESSENTIALLY THE SAME BANDICOOT, SAME APPEARANCE AND DESIGN AND BEHAVIORS. BUT THEY ARE STILL COMPLETELY SEPARATE BANDICOOTS ON SEPARATE SCREENS. SO WE BOTH HAVE OUR OWN ASS BANDICOOTS TO OURSELVES, THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT. OUR JACKS ARE THE SAME BUT DIFFERENT TOO. SAME GUY, DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND OUTCOMES. OUR JACK TRUMPED THE QUEEN, BUT GOT NO FURTHER. YOUR JACK GOT THE BEST OF BOTH OF THEM, AND IS NOW SOMETHING HIGHER THAN A QUEEN OR A KING... like an ace? SURE OK. ok, i think i get it. but how did he do that? what was different about what we did versus what you did? FRANKLY I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE ORIGINAL THING THAT TIPPED THE SCALE WAS. IT IS UNDER INVESTIGATION. BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. THE WORST IS YET TO COME. FOR YOU. oh no! what is the worst thing? ALREADY TOLD YOU. dammit! oh, hey... sorry, hold on, this little lady is bugging me about something. YEAH YEAH, YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET IT OVER WITH AND GIVE HER THE LOUSY RABBIT ALREADY. oh!!!!! oh man, i just had THE BEST idea, this is so perfect. a blonde mother and daughter together, this is totally perfect. PERFECT FOR WHAT, FLEXING YOUR FORMIDABLE MENTAL HANDICAP LIKE A FUCKING HEAVYWEIGHT FOR THE NEXT SEVERAL MINUTES? OH WAIT, LET ME CHECK, THE ANSWER IS YES. it is like that scene in con air, i will give her the bunny like i am nick cage fresh out of the slammer. FUCK. i wish i had a filthy wifebeater on, oh well. JUST... AUGH.
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